I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
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SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?