“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
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Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder