I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
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As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
In space, no one can hear…
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Huge, if true.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.