If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
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The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
when nothing goes right… go left