I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
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Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
This is my pinned tweet
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.