9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
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I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.