Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
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If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
🛁
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.