You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.