I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
You Might Also Like
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
where do you see yourself in five years?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
For those that worship cheese..
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.