The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
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ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
? 💀
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
This meal prepping shit easy
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.