That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
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Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
The legends speak of a third Duran…
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
We’ve all been there…
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain