her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
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My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
put ‘er there pardner!
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”