This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
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[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.