Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
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Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire