everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
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wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
#winning
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.