Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
You Might Also Like
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
✌️
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy: