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A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.