Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
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What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?