Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
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3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.