Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
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Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit