Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
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A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Guy who likes music
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion