daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
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kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
adam and eve had first world problems
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
You’ll be OK
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.