You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
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Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Just me?
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites