My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
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[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?