Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
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Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I like long walks away from everyone
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”