My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
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5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
just got my engagement photos
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏