The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
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Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
This trial is so absurd 😭
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!