a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
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Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”