Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.