I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
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*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
nobody’s gonna understand
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.