SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
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[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?