I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
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Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood