“How’s your day going?”
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Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Green is just blue that someone peed in
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday