Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
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Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.