Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
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4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.