I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
You Might Also Like
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name