*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
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Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here