I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
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“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
i love modern commerce
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.