If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
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I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
.. do you even science?