There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
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Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Holy shit he’s back
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
😆this is so true
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”