My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
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I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Monday?
No. Next question.