receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
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My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT