Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
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You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Donkey Kong sommelier
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”