because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
You Might Also Like
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?