Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
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Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]