Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
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I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Unexpected Judgment
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…