“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
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(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
rise and shine we got egg
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.