manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
You Might Also Like
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it