People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
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I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]