… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
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*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’